ON TRYING TO STICK WITH LETTING GO (OR, THAT TIME I COULDN’T TAKE EMMETT TO HIS ONCOLOGY APPOINTMENT)

Today, for the first time ever, John took Emmett to Purdue for his quarterly staging appointment without me.

He only ever took Lucas once without me, so this is only the second time ever that I’ve missed a Purdue appointment. For a million reasons big and small, it just didn’t make sense for us both to go today, and it made better sense that John take the day off than I.

And yet…

But, with my theme of the year–letting go–resounding in my head, I did it. I let go.

There’s something about being there that makes me feel like I have a little more control over a situation with which I have zero control. Does that make any sense?

These appointments are unpredictable, too. The pattern is the same: a vet student does his intake paperwork and then walks away with my baby, then sometime later that day they call my cell to say he’s done. But the timing is completely erratic. During that time, he goes through a slew of tests like ultrasounds and X-rays and blood work. He and his results are looked at by students, residents, and the attending. Depending on the other patients on each particular day, he’s been finished as early as 2 and as late as 7.

{{Aside: The cafe at the vet school is terrible. Truly awful. The food is gross and expensive, and the WiFi doesn’t work. There are a a dozen squished-together tables but no outlets for laptops. If I ever become a super rich millionaire, I promise to endow the vet school with a cafe deserving of those hard-working students and staff. I’ll name it after Emmett.}}

It is a long, stressful day of waiting, compounded by the fact that I’m forced to drive to a coffee shop since I can’t get any work done in the cafe. Well, not I today. John.

So, even though I’m waiting at home, with reliable internet and coffee that doesn’t cost $5 and Cooper, Newt, and Otto to keep me company… the stress isn’t diminished. It’s compounded by feeling so very far away.

Just before the holidays, Emmett’s platelets tanked. He was on exercise restriction, and they told us the signs to watch for hemorrhaging. We repeated the blood test and kept getting low results. Last week, he made a full and complete recovery in both his platelets and his white blood count. This dog is determined to keep me on my toes. But it makes me wonder what today will bring.

I’m grateful beyond measure that he’s still with us. No one, not us and definitely not his vet team, expected this. That thought is what I’m keeping in mind today when he’s so far away from me and it’s all so out of my hands, out of my control.

John texted me this pic from the waiting room: